- If you’re reading this and don’t live in Augusta, welcome to golf week. That’s why you’re here, right?
- If the weather pans out according to the 10-day forecast, I’m sorry. You missed the perfect weather last week.
- If the weather people are wrong (and with a 50/50 chance, anything’s possible), you’ll probably notice a fine yellow dusting on your cars and chairs, in your beers and eyes, and hanging in the sky over the big golf course. The sunshine’ll make up for it, though.
- If you notice things looking a little less shady (referring to the sun, not sketchy behavior) around here, it’s not mind trick. We lost thousands of trees during the ice storm/earthquake week. Right here around the golf course, most of the debris is gone, but go out of town just a bit, and you’re sure to see tall piles of limbs.
- We work all year for this week. (Though it isn’t all Augusta has to offer.)
- Most everyone who lives here loves, err, well, appreciates this week. (Otherwise, they leave.)
- Please wait patiently if you’re stuck in a line or waiting for a table. We have a few extra people in town. Feeling antsy? Order another drink. This too shall pass.
- Speaking of ordering another drink, did you know that the cutoff for beer sales on the golf course used to be 4 p.m.? There was a mad rush to the concession stands at 3:59. Thank goodness we don’t have to do that anymore. Now it happens at 4:59.
- If you plan on drinking more than one beer out there, you must decide if you’re a stacker or not. A stacker keeps all of his/her souvenir cups, carrying around a tower of green cups. Rarely is a tall tower handled with grace. Don’t be afraid to buy something in the pro shop, just so you’ll have a bag in which to carry said tower.
- Not interested in golf? Just came to shop? Go early in the week. Once the droves of practice round fans have come through, the pro shops are pretty picked over.
- If you just came to shop, pay attention while you’re out there. You’ve got your hands on a well sought after ticket, and it might be a good idea to watch a little golf. You might surprise yourself and like it. Years ago, when I went for the first time, I didn’t know a shank from a chip shot.
- Walking up to Amen Corner that year, I got it. It’s beautiful out there, and the sport isn’t nearly as boring as you’d think. As an aside, I recently learned the same thing about NASCAR. Well, except the beautiful part. It’s fun to watch, though.
- That was the year Tiger won for the first time. He’s not coming this year, due to a recent back surgery. It was announced on April Fool’s Day. I guess there’s still a chance he was kidding, even though all sources say he isn’t. Like him or not, his absence will be notable.
- Wear golf shoes if you have them, and, if not, wear running shoes. Trust me on this. You don’t want to slip and fall and be That Girl. Your friends aren’t gonna go home with you just because you slipped in the mud. Dress appropriately, too. Your “White Trash” tank top won’t cut it.
- When in doubt, eat more egg salad. Or pimiento cheese. Or ham on rye. Whatever butters your biscuit. Don’t forget the cold beer. It’s toonamint week, y’all! Welcome to Augusta!
Dear Mr. Mayor: Rough week, huh? You found out the hard way that no matter what “deals or arrangements” you have with your fellow elected officials, if you don’t have those discussions in the light of day, and hopefully in front of lots of witnesses (and reporters), you might
Because I’m lazy and kind of an idiot, I thought about churning out another tired post-Academy Awards column this week. And, seeing as how I’m certainly not above sentencing low-hanging fruit to death by katana — to the best of my recollection, one year’s Oscar fallout column dealt exclusively
Please forgive me. I’ve been preoccupied lately, and I haven’t had time to think about anything very interesting. I know about the weather and my kids, and I’ve taken the time to have an occasional glass of wine with my husband to talk about both. These phases happen, I suppose. My house is a
Some things never change. One of those things is the décor in the local roller skating rink. My kids have been begging to go skating, so we made a night of it this past Saturday. Upon entering, I noticed that the inside of the skating rink is very cool and retro. It’s retro because it […]
A high school lecture… sometime in the next century… [The teacher continues…] In the winter of 2015, a group of researchers from Kaspersky Lab released their findings in regards to a suite of malware that had been discovered over the last decade. This software is attributed to the efforts of
So I got to spend a couple of days in a hospital last week. It’s something I get really excited about. If you can’t pick up on the sarcasm, I’ll go ahead and tell you that I would have rather rub porcupines in my eyes while shoving my hands down a garbage disposal… and I […]
I had the strangest day last week. It was Valentine’s Day, which is usually pretty uneventful for us. We don’t do much to celebrate, besides buying candy for the kids and drinking a nice bottle of wine. When we were first married, we went out to dinner around the 14th, but never on the actual
Despite the best efforts of a few dinosaurs, it appears the federal courts will soon be bulldozing the last restrictions on same-sex marriage in America. Alabama’s restrictions will soon be history, and you better believe Georgia’s won’t be far behind. I got over my misguided
What is up with all the funerals lately? I’m kidding. The past week has been unusual, though. And yes, unusual equals sad, too. I’m not a total jerk. I mean, people die. It’s part of life. Sometimes, though, it seems like death is everywhere. It feels like more than we can handle. A friend’s
“When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.” —Robert Fulghum This past week I received a phone call on my iPhone from a lady with an accent that I couldn’t place. That’s not terribly surprising. Technology jobs require conversations with vendor
Hey, did you guys watch the Super Bowl? Yeah, me neither. It’s not that I’m anti-sports or anti-violent-sports — I mean, jeez, my go-to topic when I’m hard up for a column idea is a haphazard philosophical dissection of face-punching — but I just find it so damn difficult to care about the
It’s hard to believe a year has passed since that crazy ice storm. So far, we’ve escaped the wrath of a nasty winter. I probably just jinxed us. Whoopsie. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I hate winter. The clothes are fun for a few weeks, but the cold depresses me. Please […]
So, I’m not going to write any more of my sappy, mushy, “don’t make me puke,” “oh you’re one of THOSE people,” positive columns anymore. I’ve done it at least three times now and each time I wrote it, the metaphorical poop has hit the ever-lovin’ fan. Two weeks ago I wrote “I try to […]
Say what you want about the rather “uneven” personal and professional life of late conservative icon Strom Thurmond, Sr., the man was bold as a legislator and, as an attorney, fearless in the courtroom. In Washington, Senator Thurmond’s willingness to push his conservative
If you are sitting back at a distance, watching the current school rezoning squabbles in Columbia County, thinking that it is “much ado about nothing,” don’t be too quick to dismiss the discord. Similar “small” skirmishes in our metro area have given birth to
Thump thump. Thump thump. I’m sure my heart beat was audible. I pulled in to the parking space right in front. It was a good sign. I gathered everything I needed, being careful not to forget a thing. I did turn the car off and locked it, keys in hand. The front doors were all […]
Author’s Note: More than a few years ago, back when my daughters still thought Dora was really cool, our bedtime routine would always include a nonsensical story about various and assorted talking animals in strange and interesting environments. Somehow, I’ve always thought that the Metro
In case you haven’t noticed, there has been a change here or there in the radio landscape of Augusta. I am extremely sad to say that 95 Rock is no longer part of the Augusta radio spectrum. It’s hard to imagine, hard to believe and even harder to say out loud. As difficult as that […]
We are told — in elementary school science classes, in college philosophy seminars, by “Big Bang Theory” writers just after their mid-morning tweak — that, for every reaction, there is an equal yet opposite reaction. The natural world, at least at the atomic level and above, seems to back this
The only thing worse than critiquing something (a restaurant, a film, a book) with which you are largely unfamiliar is heaping tons of praise on similarly uncharted material. I have not seen “American Sniper” so I cannot and will not recommend that you see it. At least not based on