I think it’s time we had a talk about the Elves on the Shelves. Let’s be honest, the elves have become somewhat of a nuisance. Where did these elves come from and why are they here? Don’t answer that. It’s rhetorical. I already know they came from the North Pole, and they’re here to report to Santa. But why now?
I don’t know about you, but there was no Elf on the Shelf in my house as a kid. None of my friends had an Elf on the Shelf, either. Why not? We celebrated Christmas! We had shelves! Now, I’ve considered that I come from a lower-income area of town. I know Santa cares about kids everywhere, so I wouldn’t think he wouldn’t assign Elves on Shelves to houses on the southside. Like my childhood friends from west Augusta, maybe they were just afraid to come to our side of town.
Although, I have another theory. I think this is a new fad. I’m not sure when it came along, but I only heard about it when I had kids. Somewhere along the line, Santa must have had all these elves hanging around the workshop, getting into mischief, making a mess all night, then just sitting there during the day not contributing, not building toys. Then, of course, Santa couldn’t punish them or make them get up to clean up their mess or contribute because they might lose their magic. What’s a legendary, mythical symbol of Christmas to do?
I imagine Santa woke up with an idea. An idea that was so genius, he woke up and told Mrs. Claus all about it. Much like my wife is about hearing about my amazing fantasy football draft, she probably got sick of hearing him talk about it. Santa probably decided that he would give all these lazy-during-the-daytime elves a special assignment: They are to go to an assigned house and watch over the kids in the house then report back to the North Pole each night in December to let Santa know how things are going. I’d even go so far as to say that Santa probably has assigned a “staff sergeant” elf so he wouldn’t have to deal with them. Just to add insult to injury, Santa declared that upon arrival to their assignment houses, the kids in the house could rename the elf whatever goofy-ass name popped up in their head. Our elf’s name is Taco.
So, here we are. Each eagerly awaiting the arrival of our household Elf on the Shelf every year. I often find myself wondering: do the elves spend the entire year planning where they will wake up each December morning? Because 24 days of waking up somewhere new and fun is a tall order for any elf. I can hear it now: “December 4, I’ll wake up on the mantle. Maybe I’ll wake up on the bathroom counter after TPing the bathroom on the 8th. December 13, I’ll go for face-down in the gingerbread house with a trail of syrup across the floor. The dogs will love me for that one!”
I’m convinced that they run out of ideas. I mean, there’s really not that many places in our house for our elf to wake up. Poor Taco must have some nights where he really is just out of ideas! This morning, he woke up in the dining room. Again? He woke up there last night, too! I can only imagine how late Taco stayed up contemplating which kooky way he was going to wake up, only to wake up next to the Nutcracker decoration again. LAME! That poor elf. He’s probably a zombie during the day. Which explains why he doesn’t get any work done all day, can’t seem to focus and consistently misses his deadlines.
Then there’s the nights when Taco seems to forget to move. It doesn’t happen often, but it has happened. I’ve noticed that he does it on nights when I stay up later than usual having a ‘daddy drink’ or two. Maybe he just doesn’t like to move when I’m up late. Or maybe he forgets. Who knows?
Anyways, I hope your family and your elf are enjoying this holiday season. And if your family hasn’t been assigned an elf yet, don’t worry — your time is coming. Oh, it’s coming.