Hi. I’m a cow. Don’t believe me? Well, what other animal can do this?
I actually come from a very distinguished pedigree. Do you remember the story about the cow that jumped over the moon? Many in my herd believe that story originated with one of our ancestors.
According to the story, Sir Lincoln A. Bovine regularly bathed in the Thames River. On one such occasion, as Sir Bovine dried off, he turned his back on a herd of cows and accidently dropped his towel. This action startled the herd, and a young calf named Armstrong took a slight hop. Well, the hop caught the attention of Sir Bovine’s Terrier, who immediately started yapping. Also, a maiden was walking down to the river to bring Sir Bovine his lunch. The whole episode was too much for her, and she ran back to the village — serving utensils and all.
Personally, I believe it’s a very plausible story.
I’m actually very famous in my own right. You see, I’m an acting cow. It’s been a family business ever since we moved to California in the 1970s. You might have seen my great-grandbull — he had a big role in the film “City Slickers.”
Acting is a tough business, but I’ve been fortunate. Currently, I’ve got a regular gig appearing in the Chick-fil-A commercials. Do you remember the one where the cow punches all the elevator buttons? Yes, that’s me — it’s some of my best work.
Did I mention that we moved to California? Originally, my entire herd was from Texas, from a little town outside Austin called Driftwood. I’m sure that you’ve heard all the great stories about Texas, and Austin in particular. I have to admit that Austin is a spectacular place to live. The scenic beauty of the hill country is amazing. The downtown is great, too. It’s young and fully of energy — there’s not many places like Sixth Street after a Texas football win. All things being equal, my herd was more than happy to call themselves native Texans. There was just this one small thing…
Our herd’s pasture was about a half mile from this place called “The Salt Lick.” Now most cows aren’t born knowing how to read, so they missed the significance of the three letters next to The Salt Lick’s name — BBQ.
One day, my great-great-grandcow Elsie noticed that no one ever grew old. She started asking questions and discovered that the cows started disappearing once they reached a certain age. One night she followed the humans, and she made a shocking discovery. Needless to say, the next day, they loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly.
(Hills, that is. Swimming pools. Movie stars.)
Growing up, we always loved the holiday season. Most years, we just stand out in our field, chewing the cud. Like most, we all eat way entirely too much hay and grass — all of it specially prepared using family recipes. While we enjoy watching football, to be honest, we’ve always been more a basketball herd. (‘Da Bulls!) The calves usually get wrapped up in some marathon board game, and all the teenage cows and bulls like to stay up late and tip each other.
This year, though, we have a special treat planned. We’re taking the entire herd out to the beach. I’m hoping to teach the calves how to surf. Hang 2, bro’!
The best part of the holidays? Well, that’s easy. It’s the opportunity to relax. You see, being near the bottom of the food chain, we always have to stay on guard for possible predators. But during the holidays, most humans are fixated on turkey. Whether it’s fried, roasted or baked, turkey is the go-to meal for the holidays. Personally, I don’t know why anybody would want to consume anything that has a gizzard. Just thinking about it makes me sick to all four of my stomachs.
So on behalf of all bovine everywhere, I’d like to wish all my human friends a very happy holiday season! Please take time to spend with family and friends. Also, try to unplug and relax, shut down and recharge.
And most importantly, as you sit down and enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner, please remember one thing…
Eat More Turkey!