Just when the stress concerning Hurricane Irma was at its peak in Florida and the state of Georgia had no real clue as to what it would be facing over the next 24 hours under the threat of a tropical storm, Oconee County Sheriff’s Office provided some much-needed comic relief.
In attempt to warn its residents of the high winds and heavy rains headed toward the Peach State, Oconee County Sheriff’s Office made sure that its post about the storm would spread like wildfire throughout the state.
“Realistically speaking, please be prepared to be without electricity for a few days due to high winds and trees taking out utility lines,” the Oconee County Sheriff’s Office posted on Sunday, Sept. 10, at 5:11 pm. “You might even lose your internet connection, which probably scares you more than being without TV or air conditioning.”
Sure. That comment might make you chuckle, but the post gets better.
Next, the sheriff’s office tries to legitimately ask residents to check on the elderly in the community after Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal declared a state of emergency for every county ahead of the storm.
“I don’t know what you need to get by for a few days without power. You should have a good idea of what you need and I hope you already have it,” the post read. “If you have someone elderly in your family you take care of then plan with them accordingly.”
Then comes the much-needed humor to help lighten the mood on a stressful day.
“It is going to rain, hard. Trees will fall. Up to 60 mph winds will launch your porch furniture over into your neighbors’ yard. Normally that would be hilarious, but his porch furniture will launch into your yard too,” the post stated. “Anything you don’t want launched should be put out of the wind.”
Finally, the Oconee County Sheriff’s Office decided to lay it all out there by basically warning its residents, “Stupid is as stupid does.”
“It is hard for us to plan ahead for what we call the ‘stupid factor,’” the sheriff’s office posted. “I don’t know why, but it seems that someone always wants to do something stupid no matter the unique weather event. Try to avoid the stupid factor.”
Avoiding the stupid factor would really help the sheriff’s office out, the post stated.
“Stupid makes more work for us, EMTs and ER personnel. In fact, stupid is the reason most of us have jobs,” the Oconee County Sheriff’s Office joked. “If you have stupid friends, avoid them until the power comes back on. If YOU are the stupid one, then please sit this one out and wait til an ice storm to come along before you demonstrate your capabilities.”
Believe it or not, these unusual posts are generally written by Oconee County Sheriff Scott Berry, himself.
Last year, Berry began getting some attention for his humorous posts after he wrote one about regarding the legality of shooting armadillos.
“Due to the number of calls I have received, I elected to discuss today the nemesis of Western Civilization. No, not ISIS (ISIL??) or the threat of thermonuclear war. I mean the real threat to human existence, the wily, elusive and destructive armadillo,” the sheriff posted in August 2016. “The armadillo (blunderous stupidious), which migrated here in 2004 as the result of being stuck in the grill of Eddy Thaxton’s pickup truck has made its presence felt county wide. They will destroy your landscaping, yard, bushes, dig up your home foundation, undermine our economic system, destroy peace and goodwill worldwide and generally make a nuisance by their mere existence.”
Due to this obvious threat, what should citizens do about these pesky varmints?
“So the question I get asked is, ‘Sheriff, can I choot ’em?’” Berry posted. “Armadillos that live in the city limits of Watkinsville, Bogart, North High Shoals and Bishop are safe from randomly getting shot ’cause ordinances cover blasting away at things, including armadillos, inside the city limits. If you live in the city you must find a more humane way to dispatch them, such as running them over with your pickup. If you happen to live in the county, you are responsible for where your stray bullet goes and you have to be 50 yards from the roadway to whack an armadillo.”
Therefore, shooting them can get a little complicated, Berry joked.
“Take my advice,” Berry wrote. “The armadillo is here to stay, but if you happen to be heading to New York, New Jersey or some other Yankee state take some armadillos with you and drop ’em off so they can enjoy ’em too.”
That initial humorous post became so popular, Berry has continued his hilarious posts throughout the year.
Just last month, before the much-anticipated solar eclipse, the sheriff’s office was at it again.
“Sheriff Scott Berry announces that on Monday, August 21, at about the time your kids are riding home from school on the bus that there will be a solar eclipse of the sun as celestial forces no one understands will blot out the sun. It is very likely this is the end of life on this planet as we know it,” the sheriff’s department posted on Aug. 3. “As your Sheriff I expect each of you to begin panicking today. There is no need to wait til Sunday night to buy bread and milk. The shelves will be empty already as vast hordes descend on grocery stores. If you wait, the only thing left will be potted meat and knock-off brand cereal with such names as ‘RaisinO’s’ and ‘CheeriBran.’”
The sheriff then warned citizens about staring into the solar eclipse.
“Don’t look at the eclipse, unless of course you live in the backwoods of Tennessee,” the sheriff’s office posted. “In that case no one will hear you scream as you stumble blindly into a moonshine still or a bear trap. Millions of Americans are blinded every week by staring directly into the sun, eclipse or not. Don’t do it. Your sunglasses will not protect you from certain death if you look at the sun. However, for a mere $29.99 (plus $9.00 shipping and handling) you can order ‘stare directly at the sun wearing these’ glasses from NASA and the Home Shopping Network.”
And, finally, a general safety tip from the sheriff’s office for the day.
“Pregnant women should smoke and drink liquor during the eclipse. This will prevent radioactive waves from making your ankles swell and being grouchy most of the time,” the sheriff’s office posted. “Meanwhile, your other children will be on the school bus wondering why it got dark so early. An afternoon snack of potted meat will encourage them to ignore the end of the world as we know it. Leading scientists tell us that post eclipse the only two things they expect to survive are cockroaches and Facebook. Wait, is that one thing or two things????”
A talented sheriff for sure.