| | Issue #19.25 :: 01/16/2008 - 01/22/2008 | Cure for the body politic
Humor: Presidential candidates are their own presription for the health of America.
| BY METRO SPIRIT
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By Murfee Faulk and Gregory Ruehlmann spirit@metrospirit.com
AUGUSTA, GA - humor Like the plague that wiped out the human race in “I Am Legend,” Bushemia —a disease that causes aggression toward other countries and a dramatic loss of brain function— has taken hold of America for the past eight years.
There are, however, about 10 people claiming they have cures for this highly contagious disease, and they are all descending upon South Carolina, trying to sway the good people of the Palmetto State to invest in their experimental new drugs.
Will South Carolinians choose Obamicil, Edwardazine, McCainophen, Romnite or Huckaphex? Here, we take a look at each candidate’s prescription, as well as any side effects users might encounter. Pop these pills at your own risk!
The Democrats
Obamacil
Obamacil™ recently emerged as the hot new drug on the market. Millions are asking their doctors about it; millions more already swear by it, including many who confess to knowing absolutely nothing about where Obamacil™ actually stands on the issues. The manufacturers of Obamacil™ have inked several high-profile celebrities to endorsement deals, including Oprah Winfrey for the female and African-American demographics, Peyton Manning for white males and Wilford Brimley for diabetic seniors.
Uses: Since its debut at the 2004 Democratic Convention, Obamacil™ has supplanted Zoloft and Prozac as the national antidepressant. Users describe extended feelings of euphoria and hope, as well as a renewed sense of civic purpose and belief in America’s capacity for good. Needless to say, most politicians consider this an unwelcome development.
Side Effects: Some takers of Obamacil™ describe a “come-down” sensation, typically associated with sugar high. This seems to occur most often when they think realistically about Washington, a place where hope has historically gone to die. The FDA is concerned about the “substance” of Obamacil™, and about reports that users walk around in public, shouting “Fired up and ready to go!” at random passersby.
Clintox™
Most drugs enjoy a shelf life of only a few years before they are replaced by newer products. But Clintox™ has remained on the national scene since 1992. First developed in an ill-fated effort to combat the nation’s health care woes, Clintox™ has been prescribed — with varying degrees of success — for several ailments over the years, in Arkansas, New York and Washington, D.C.
Uses: Highly organized and fiercely determined,Clintox™ has proven surprisingly effective against resilient “right-wing conspiracies.”Clintox™ is also reported to induce heady feelings of nostalgia: users claim the drug transports them to a magical, carefree time called the “nineties,” when the economy and national security were stable, and the only thing George W. Bush was ruining was a professional baseball team.
Side Effects: In clinical tests, Clintox™ has been shown to carpetbag, and to take credit for work done by its spouse. It has also alarmed lab scientists by directing its icy stare of death toward anyone who dares to impede its desperate, all-consuming will to power.
Edwardazine™
No, it’s not déjà vu. Edwardazine™ is back on the market, and again running third behind two other brands. It is also cash-strapped, and, as a result, can’t afford to advertise like its major competitors. TV spots for Edwardazine™ are down to one per telecast of the CBS evening news. Compare that with the approximately 3,642 ads which air during the same half-hour for drugs like Flomax, Lipitor and Lunestra, not to mention Obamacil and Clintox, and you get an uphill battle.
Uses: Pharmaceutical reps are hoping that South Carolinians take to the drug, which was first developed in the Palmetto State. Its local appeal and resolutely populist message should appeal to blue-collar voters and fans of the underdog everywhere. Doctors who prescribe Edwardazine™ swear that the drug works wonders on patients who want to feel more disgusted by large corporations.
Side Effects: Side effects include talking out of both sides of the mouth. The most frequently cited example in patient histories involves championing the working class and attacking the wealthy, while simultaneously living in a mansion and paying more for stylists than most members of the working class spend on mortgage payments.
Richardsona™
Overqualified and under-appreciated, Richardsona™ struggled to get its fair share of attention before being withdrawn from the market. We would like to say more about this, but are too busy focusing on other, flashier campaigns.
Uses: If you want a medication that has done it all, then it’s too bad you can’t consult your physician about Richardsona™, which has served in Congress, in the Cabinet, asambassador to the U.N. and as a bilingual governor of a border state. Since the presidential bid went plop plop fizz fizzle, Richardsona™ is willing to serve as vice president, which would allow it to add still another activity to the proverbial yearbook (along with “Member of the French Club, junior and senior year”). The FDA has approved Richardsona™ for use by diplomats, politicians and voters, but the last group has yet to show much interest.
Side Effects: Every individual pill of Richardsona™ was capped with a small, parted coif of slick, black hair. Some users complained that the drug’s trace amount of Pommade was slowly poisoning them. In South Carolina, the Mexican heritage of Richardsona™ also triggered xenophobia among good old boys who took issue with illegal immigration and who, for lack of a better phrase, “don’t like them Hispanics.”
The Republicans
Guilianotol™
Patients flocked to Guilianotol™ after a barrage of advertisements promising relief from a rare form of anxiety caused by out-of-control airplanes and tall buildings. Many physicians feel the drug is too strong to treat most forms of anxiety and might lead to facial ticks and an uncontrollable remarrying. Guilianotol™’s generic version, Kerikacil™, faced an uphill battle for approval by the FDA due to a rare intervention by the U.S. Attorney’s office in the southern district of New York.
Uses: The calming effects of the drug are undeniable. When studied in double-blind tests, patients reported the increased ability to function in noisy urban environments.
Side Effects: Many patients report mild to severe forms of megalomania, including the ability to fly and “save the world.”
McCainophen™
McCainophen™ was developed with funding from the Department of Defense. It aids troops in hostile war zones to perceive their immediate environment as perfectly safe and normal. It causes older users to make light of age in an endless series of lame jokes. Patients often report the tendency to engage in verbal behavior they label as “straight talk” while cynically telling people what they want to hear. Most doctors distribute gags or duct tape with this drug.
Uses: McCainophen™ is particularly effective on patients who have spent long periods of time in confinement on a diet of rice.
Side Effects: Even mild use might lead to chronic optimism, leading some patients to fight for years in hopeless causes. Also reported is a reduced ability to admit mistakes.
Romnite™
Romnite™ is of the most powerful drugs for ED on the market. Many users claim that they develop an urge to satisfy up to four wives. Very few patients, however, actually act on their impulses (and some say the drug’s secondary effect is to discourage polygamy, abortion and gay rights). Romnite™ manufacturer JosephSmithKline reports record fourth-quarter earnings due to increased sales in Saudi Arabia and other Gulf states.
Uses: Patients report a perceived increase in manliness, support for the war in Iraq and a yearning to travel westward in the search for the promised land.
Side Effects: Romnite™ lowers the ability of some patients to hold firm opinions. Some users report a tendency to change beliefs monthly or weekly. Anyone experiencing hardened support lasting more than four hours should see a physician.
Huckaphex™
The FDA and Homeland Security approved Huckaphex™ to treat people with a chronic case of border anxiety. Such people often hold fears of home and nation invasions, and tend to always be aware or perimeters they must defend. Huckaphex™ also blocks a key chemical that causes physical attraction to non-spousal members of the opposite sex.
Uses: Huckaphex™ is advertised as a “salvation” for any patient and may even help promote weight loss.
Side Effects: Renowned pharamacologist Dr. Ann Coulter from the University of California-Smerkeley has proven a relationship between Huckaphex™ and delusions of a great explosion that beginslife itself. Huckaphex™ has also been known to give users an extreme phobia of sodomy.
Thompsonex™
Thompsonex™ is a late-comer on the drug market and has had difficulty gaining market share despite being ballyhooed as the “next Gipper.” It engenders folksy nostalgia yet comes packaged with a trophy wife.
Uses: Enhances viewing pleasure when watching reruns of “Law and Order.”
Side Effects: An early euphoria has been reported, followed by feelings of heavy disappointment and boredom. Long-term users have been known to sit comatose for days on end in front of “Law and Order.”
Paulitin™
Paulitin™ has enjoyed brisk sales online, where it has found equal support among Internet-savvy youths and crotchety old isolationists. Instantly recognizable because of the endearingly misguided blimp that hovers above its political rallies, Paulitin™ is the only pharmaceutical on the ballot in 2008 that was developed by an actual doctor (Paul, a graduate of Duke Medical School, is an OB-GYN — which makes Paulitin™ the rare drug that’s OK for pregnant women).
Uses: Paulitin™ suppresses tax cells in the body. This, apparently, is the only function the manufacturers allow the drug to perform. “The rest,” they say, “should be left up to state and local governments.” But, they claim, the tax suppression works like a panacea, curing wars, recession, anxiety, high cholesterol and erectile dysfunction, among other problems.
Side Effects: When the unorthodox ideology of Paulitin™ hits the bloodstream of young Republicans, it makes them even more insufferable than usual. Additionally, the drug’s combination of fiscal conservatism, strict constructionism and strong focus on individual privacy isn’t for the faint of heart. Check with your doctor to find out if thinly veiled libertarianism is right for you.
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