No Smoking Allowed at the Orgy

  • 1 COMMENTS
No Smoking Allowed at the Orgy

Simple concept here; I just wish I could make the adult (so I am told) members of the Augusta Commission understand it. It is commendable that our wonderful civic leadership is so concerned for our health and welfare that they want to snatch the lit cigarettes from our quivering, puckered lips, but, to be quite honest, such behavior on our part is none of their damn business.

Under the Constitution of the United States, adult citizens not in the lawful custody of the criminal justice system are allowed to make adult choices for themselves, no matter how risky, ill-advised or foolhardy they appear to be. There are some worthwhile exceptions, such as activities that include banned drugs and illegal weapons, but, for the most part, if you want to be a pink-painted human fireball, who skydives ablaze at 10,000 feet blindfolded and locked in handcuffs while whistling “The Star Spangled Banner,” not only are you legally free to do it, but local chamber of commerce’s would likely be at the door lobbying for the opportunity to host your stunt on 3-D pay-per-view, broadcast in glorious Dolby Stereo Surround Sound.

But hold up, if you are doing any of this in a public place, even one that is filled with ticket-buying adult patrons, you cannot do it smoking cigarettes. At least not if some folks have their way.

You can attend NASCAR races, demolition derbies and funny car events, where exhaust fumes, smoke and clouds of vaporized tire rubber routinely fill the air, not to mention the occasional airborne pieces of metal, glass and body parts that result from the crashes at said event, but you better not be watching the fun-filled mayhem with a cigarette hanging from your mouth. Nope, according to some, that is just too damn dangerous.

Speaking of dangerous, is there much of anything that the average citizen can legally do sitting in a downtown business that is any more dangerous than drinking large amounts of alcohol?

The topic of a citywide smoking ban in the few public businesses that still allow it has come up yet again, thanks to the efforts of a few concerned citizens. Well-meaning people, to be sure, but folks who obviously have little concern over the rights of individual citizens to ruin their lungs, breath and general appearance as they see fit.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a fan of cigarette smoking. It is a vile habit that has made life miserable and unnaturally short for millions of good people. But just like one is allowed to ruin their feet with excessive jogging, or their brain through too much exposure to MSNBC, smokers have the right to gather in their own homes, or privately owned businesses, and smoke to their little clogged-up heart’s content.

I am told that in Augusta there may be one or two swingers clubs that quietly promote and encourage open sexual congress between any and all comers (no pun intended), in any way, shape or form they may want to “get busy.” When Joe Blow (pun intended) is done making the “two-backed beast” on a communal sex bed with Big Butt Bertha (and her six cousins) from Belvedere, under the new rules under consideration by the commission, he would not allowed to enjoy a cigarette with those with whom he just swapped bodily fluids.

The orgy in a private business is no problem, but the relaxing smoke in the afterglow is a no-no.

And for those who say this new law should be considered to protect the people who must work at bars, racetracks or swingers clubs where they could be exposed to lots of secondhand smoke, I can only say: “Oh please, grow up.”

Just like cops, firefighters and radio station employees work with any number of well-known and established risk factors, there remain plenty of people who want to apply for all kinds of jobs in those fields. Employees by the thousands get into those businesses willingly, and they know the score before they ever ask for the job application. Same for bar workers.

The Augusta Commission rarely has the ability in a local vote to get out of the way of the Constitution and allow common sense to rule the day, but this would be one of those times.

Oh, one last thought: No matter what the commission does or does not do in this matter, if you are an establishment that allows smoking in enclosed spaces, you won’t be getting any business from me or my family. If I want to hang around a bunch of smelly dumbasses who have no clue how to behave in ways that promote good health and hygiene, I can always get a season ticket for the Cleveland Browns next year.

  • Jonah Miller

    Well said Austin. I too am not a smoker but I believe if they start here they won’t stop chipping away at our civil liberties.What’s next?

Comment Policy