I was prepared to sit down and write a column about the general limp-dickedness of the GOP-led Congress that just voted down a series of gun control measures in the wake of the deadliest mass shooting in United States history. And I still could. I could point out that one of the measures sought to prevent the sale of firearms to suspected terrorists, language that already seems like a massive concession to GOP lawmakers. I could point out that, to date, the National Rifle Association has gifted $36 million to the 56 senators that were instrumental in blocking the measure. I could further point out that, according to recent polling, 90 percent of Americans support these gun limitations, as do 80 percent of actual gun owners.
And, if I were so inclined, I could even point out that, in the last three years, we’ve suffered mass shootings at an elementary school, a military base, a nightclub, a movie theater and many, many more places, yet lawmakers and the NRA’s response seems to be a resounding “Meh, whatevs.”
But I’d like to focus on a smaller story. An intimate nugget. A tiny, twinkling jewel of opportunism, douchebaggery and tragedy-profiteering.
Florida State Senator Greg Evers — who will hopefully be eaten by an alligator or carried away by a swarm of B52-sized Everglades mosquitoes — recently announced, with barely just enough time for the ink on the Orlando shooting victims’ death certificates to dry, that his campaign would sponsor an AR-15 giveaway, a contest for the residents of his Florida district, located in the Panhandle, to win one of the assault rifles. The same model of assault rifle that was, again, just used to gun down almost 50 people in a nightclub in the same city Disney World is in.
It will not surprise you to learn that Senator Evers — who will no doubt eventually be outed as a swarm of scarab beetles inside a human husk — is running for a Congressional seat in a very conservative district, and his campaign has made the calculated decision that this can only help him, even as it makes liberals and actual, sane conservative voters shake so hard with anger that their cells audibly hum. Senator Evers also enjoys an A+ rating from the NRA. Here’s why:
He has repeatedly tried to pass a law allowing concealed carry on college campuses for lawful permit holders. He passed the “Pop Tart Law,” which bars educators from reprimanding children for playing with make-believe weapons in schools. He blocked lawmakers from using trust fund money to regulated lawful weapons permits. He passed the legislation known as “Docs and Glocks,” which discourages physicians from inquiring about the presence of firearms in the homes of their patients.
Of these, by far the least insane is the Pop Tart Law; the name came about because a kid ate a Pop Tart into the shape of a gun, and then went “Pew pew pew!” Children are functionally retarded until they’re about 26, sometimes even after, but this is probably not cause for concern.
Of course, Evers offers as justification the same old tired argument that the recent Orlando tragedy simply highlights the lurking danger of terrorism, and that we should all be armed and ready to defend ourselves. Never mind that report upon report upon report indicates that gun ownership statistically makes the owner less safe. Also, why are we still arguing over whether or not your average United States citizen actually needs an assault rifle? All it does is shorten your life span and let your neighbors know you’ve never loved or been loved.
The actual gun itself isn’t the worst part of this. No, the worst part is that there is a sitting state senator, who could very well be elected into a position of national authority in Congress, who is attempting to piggyback off the deadliest mass shooting in the short history of our nation. He is standing atop the lifeless bodies of 49 American citizens, waving the gun that was used to kill them, selling himself. He is spitting on their graves and making a mockery of their lives.
I have no solution to the problem that is Senator Greg Evers. But he is a piece of human garbage, a waste of oxygen and a sociopath that is incapable of empathy or love. And he can go to hell.
