We’re All Going To Die!

We’re All Going To Die!

According to experts, trees will begin falling tomorrow leaving us with no power for days and making driving anywhere an impossibility. Here is expert advice from our in-house survival expert Svenn Svevensen on how to cope with these abnormal conditions.

“You have a dog. Maybe two. Begin fabricating an apparatus which will comfortably hold your entire family. Rip your bed sheets into five inch thick strips then twist as tightly as possible. Join the strips together until you have approximately 50 feet of “rope”.

Now, attach your dog. As Ringling Brothers has proven for decades, animals can do almost anything with enough “encouragement”. Now then, small dogs will prove challenging, but with enough “positive reinforcement” a medium build terrier can pull a sled of two adults and two children approximately two feet per hour. Your larger breeds can be expected to get you to the nearest grocery store in seven hours or so.

Cats? No good. Useless in ice. It’s paw down, pick up, shake, look at it, then back down. Pick up and look at it again then look at you. Long and hard. Then you will reopen the door and they will retreat back inside the house.
If you have elderly neighbors who may need some assistance don’t forget to call a neighbor to check on them. It’s the right thing to do.

If you do find yourself on the road stuck in ice fear not. Rednecks are prone to patrol roadways in these particular conditions looking to engage their four wheel drives as they yank your Subaru out of the ditch.”

In closing, keep your loved ones close and enjoy the time together with no distractions. It’s truly a blessing.

  • alfsauve

    That picture. I’ve seen that somewhere. In a furniture catalog? Biggs, maybe?

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