Every city has its own unique personality, little quirks and downright weird ways.
Augusta is no exception.
For almost 30 years since the Metro Spirit was first published back in 1989, a longtime favorite cover story that the paper has offered its readers is the “You’re so Augusta if…” issue.
They’re basically jokes about Augustans that are exaggerated for the pure humor of it and a sincere salute to locals who have seen and been through it all in the Garden City.
After all, it’s always good to laugh at yourself.
Also, there is no place like home. And, for all of us, Augusta is truly home.
So, presenting this year’s “You’re so Augusta if…” list!
You’re so Augusta if…
You honestly think the best place for the new James Brown Arena is at the abandoned Regency Mall site.
You insist on wearing your GreenJackets’ “Last Weekend at the Lake” T-shirt to all of this year’s games in North Augusta.
You walk into the new SRP Stadium and say, “It’s not that great.” (Yeah, right.)
You believe having a small statue of James Brown on Broad Street is really more than enough to honor the Godfather of Soul.
You get upset if you have to park more than a block from your favorite restaurant on Broad Street.
You still talk about how dangerous the Riverwalk is, insisting that people are constantly either beaten by baseball bats or shot at down by the river.
You believe Ruben’s Department Store should expand.
You complain that there are too many new license plates in town coming from Texas and Virginia.
You don’t have any idea what “cyber” means.
You would smack Dr. Ricardo Azziz in the mouth if you ever saw him step foot in Augusta again.
You think the mayor’s position is powerless.
You are giving VeryVera’s new cookbook to all of your friends for their birthdays.
All your husband has to say is “little green box,” and all is forgiven.
You know exactly where to pick up dinner if you hear the words, “And don’t forget the banana pudding!”
You still call Augusta’s Municipal Building the “Marble Palace.”
Azaleas and magnolias played prominent roles in your wedding.
The closest you get to culture is the gyro booth at the Arts in the Heart Festival.
You had 14 bridesmaids and 13 groomsmen in your wedding because one guy was found passed out with a bottle of bourbon in the bushes.
You want to marry someone from Augusta and name your babies after prominent local families like Fleming, Walton or Blanchard.
You never shop, drink or eat anywhere other than Surrey Center.
You want to know why all of the city’s top magnet schools have to be located “down there.”
You have already matched your 3-year-old up with their future Social partner.
You know the best and strongest margarita in town is served at Nacho Mama’s.
You send your kids to Southern or UGA, but they party too much and end up at Augusta University.
You are a doctor, studying to be a doctor or married to a doctor.
You still insist that your teen must attend Richmond Academy for high school, even though they have been in private school ever since they were 4 years old.
You know it’s all about who you hire as your lawyer and their legacy in Augusta rather than how much they actually know about the law.
When people say they are going to the “F.A.T.S. Bike Trail,” you think they are talking about a fat camp for adults.
You assume that anyone without a Southern accent is from New York.
You only drink mint juleps twice a year: During Masters Week and at the annual Kentucky Derby party. (You really don’t like the taste, but you feel sophisticated drinking it while wearing your sexiest cocktail dress.)
You believe there should be one monument or building in downtown Augusta recognizing former Mayor Ed McIntyre.
The only sheriff you ever really trusted was Ron Strength.
You buy a new red-and-black strapless sundress every year.
You think heavily drinking and driving a golf cart doesn’t count.
You openly call Sheriff Richard Roundtree an “idiot” to your friends, but when he’s standing right in front of you, you’re kissing his ass.
You can’t help but shake your head the moment anyone mentions the name “Charles Walker.” (Senior or Junior. It doesn’t really matter.)
Your dog is named “Vince Dooley.”
The only James Brown song you know is “I Feel Good.” (Which, the song’s title is actually “I Got You,” but you wouldn’t know that.)
You absolutely refuse to call Augusta College anything but AUGUSTA COLLEGE.
You paint your house to match the pollen.
You wish Augusta Chronicle columnist Sylvia Cooper would write a book.
You know exactly how many Waffle Houses are on Washington Road.
More than one person you know has used a UGA or Carolina football schedule to plan their wedding date.
You love the fact that some old country politicians were once called the “Southside Mafia.” (We swear. You can’t make this stuff up.)
You met your wife at Squeaky’s Tip Top.
You have never walked along the Augusta Canal because you don’t know exactly where to park.
You know what to wear to a party when the hostess describes the dress as “Augusta casual.” Men: Khakis, sport or golf shirt with blazer optional. Women: Color-coordinated shorts or skirt outfits and big earrings.
You have several “dress” Masters polo shirts that you wear to church or family events, and you have another set of Masters shirts that are reserved for nights out at The Country Club or Hooters.
You can text “NAug” and everyone knows where you are.
You don’t care what Augusta National does to any of the properties along Washington Road because the private golf club is basically God.
Walmart + Waffle House + friend = a good time.
All carbonated beverages are referred to as “Coke” regardless of brand or flavor.
A single snowflake falls and the city is paralyzed for three days while a WINTER WEATHER WARNING is on all the TV channels every 15 minutes.
You know you’re not allergic to pollen. If you were, you’d be dead already.
You use “Sir” and “Ma’am” if there’s a remote possibility that person you’re talking to is 30 minutes older than you are.
You only watch golf one week a year.
You faithfully attend church every Sunday, but then treat your employees like dirt on Monday.
You still believe the Cracker Party was the best thing that ever happened to Georgia.
You know where BFE is, and you’ve been to a bonfire somewhere near there.
You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
The “Hot Fresh Now” sign controls your steering.
You miss the entertaining days down at the Marble Palace with Augusta Commissioner Willie Mays. Sure, that man loved to talk, but he also knew what he was talking about.
You can’t wait for WJBF News Channel 6 Reporter George Eskola’s “Somewhere Out There” segment every Friday evening.
You know how to properly pronounce “Taliaferro” County. Hint: Tolliver.
You know where the Flowing Well is, and suspect it might have healing powers.
You constantly complain about living here, yet you don’t move away.
You think Austin Rhodes is a genius.
You think 100 degree days are “warm” summer days.
You think pimento cheese is a food group.
You actually threw a parade in your neighborhood when Dr. Brooks Keel became the new president of Augusta University.
You go to Walmart for entertainment.
You know that WJBF usually gets the news right, while WRDW is generally more entertaining.
You believe that the best way to teach your children class and manners is to send them to Social along with every other child from “The Hill.”
You refer to the city as Disgusta.
You refuse to call Clarks Hill by that “other” name.
You get all gussied up and bar hop during Masters Week, hoping to be discovered.
You are middle-aged and fanatical about your high school football team.
You really believed the Golf Hall of Fame would have brought thousands of tourists to Augusta.
You remember Duke Restaurant.
Your Bi-Lo Bonus Card has a higher point balance than your bank account.
You own a “dress” ball cap.
You still call MCG “Talmage Hospital.”
You own a copy of Tea Time at the Masters.
You know some of the best burgers and cold beers in all of Augusta are at the Sports Center on Broad Street.
Your riding boots are worn enough to look used, but not enough to look worn.
You get a great job not because of the amount of education and training but because your daddy knew someone.
You think the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band was wrong about Augusta.
Whenever you hear the initial D.W. you automatically think 3 for 1.
You make an extra $20,000 during Masters by renting your house and leaving your tickets on the kitchen table.
You still get bent out of shape by Phil Kent.
You meet one person and they tell you 30 friends you have in common.
You (or your parents) are on a first-name basis with at least one very expensive lawyer, a plastic surgeon, a noted OB-GYN and two or more elected officials.
The only time you can afford to get into the Masters is during practice rounds.
You know that the best soup at Sunshine Bakery is served on Friday. Seriously. The barley bean soup is by far the best soup ever made.
You constantly complain that in Augusta, there is nowhere to go.
You still call the Savannah River Site “The Bomb Plant.”
You call in on the Austin Rhodes program at least four times a week.
You have a favorite song that you like to play on Luigi’s coin-operated jukeboxes.
You miss the Haunted Pillar that once stood on Fifth and Broad streets.
Sweet tea is always the initial drink of choice.
You get dressed up to go to yard sales.
You buy a completely new outfit for the first full week of April every year.
Half of your relatives are named “Bo.”
You know absolutely nothing about cutting horses, but every year you attend the Futurity in full Western garb.
When asked for directions, you say, “Oh, turn off Bobby Jones at the Home Depot, take that little road. It’s in the mall with the ham store, next to CVS.”
You are never rude… you simply “polite” them to death.
You’re insulted that General Sherman didn’t think the city was even worth the trouble of burning down.
You are someone in the medical field, married to someone in the engineering field.
You don’t notice the smell from the paper mills, the meat packing house or the cricket farm.
You think Murphy Village is a tourist attraction.
You remember when WBBQ was the king of local radio.
You remember when Disco Hell was at Squeaky’s Tip Top.
You put a deposit down on a condo at Port Royal, then didn’t buy one.
You remember Buddy Carr and George Fisher.
You think driving in the suicide lane is perfectly acceptable.
You actually think Augusta has a rush hour traffic problem.
You go to Atlanta or Charleston to shop for clothes.
You are a 60-year-old male but you still wear saddle oxfords. You think they make you “sporty.”
You see the same people at every social or civic event you attend.
You aren’t really as conservative as you would have your friends and associates believe.
You bought a home in Columbia County because you thought the schools were better, but your kid is still failing.
You think beach music is cool.
You refer to William S. Morris III as “Billy,” as if you knew him.
You look down your nose at south Augusta, Hephzibah and Blythe.
Your biggest goal in life is to get into the Junior League.
You believe if only the local powers-that-be chose the name Ty Cobb Stadium over Lake Olmstead Stadium, the GreenJackets would still be in Augusta.
When being interviewed for a job, you mention who your daddy is within the first three minutes.
You work for your father-in-law, live in your wife’s house (which you brag you’ve completely renovated), have three blonde children and your petite wife drives a white Lexus RX to drop off the kids at Episcopal Day School.
“You refer to that golf event in April as the tuna mint, as in ‘Ah ya’ll goin’ out to the tuna-mint this moanin’?”
A guest at your home screams when they see a Palmetto bug, but you know them by name and don’t even kill them anymore.
You know what CSRA means.
You shave your head so you can get a military discount at the local car dealership.
You hang out at Daniel Field airport during the Masters to see whose plane lands.
Your husband makes $250,000 a year and you still insist on shopping at T.J. Maxx.
You think that real skiing is in North Carolina.
You are excited because another store is open for 24 hours.
You continuously gripe about high taxes and government waste, except when it comes to SRS, Fort Gordon and the Medical College of Georgia.
You always regarded the Snake Lady as an asset instead of a liability.
You mention the name “Coco,” and everyone knows exactly who you’re talking about.
You have caused an accident by trying to look down the driveway at Augusta National.
You never wanted to come here, but you stayed here.
You miss the days when your grandma used to direct traffic onto your lawn during Masters Week.
You profess to have a relative who saw Gene Sarazen’s double eagle on the Augusta National’s 15th hole in the 1935 tournament.
You assume everyone naturally knows exactly what you’re talking about when you refer to “The Club.” (The Augusta Country Club, of course.)
You go from being a spinster to a junior leaguer.
You think the Braves are the hometown team.
You took Social at the YWCA with Miss Price.
You think <>The Augusta Chronicle<> is the next best thing to a Prayer Book.
You feel the need to write letters to every editor in the CSRA quoting the Bible.
You unpack your winter clothes when the temperature drops to 80 degrees.
You’re ‘fixin’ to do something and it doesn’t involve anything broken.
You have at least one relative with only nine fingers.
You think ‘Krogering,’ and ‘cruising for chicks,’ are synonymous.
Your worst nightmare is having tickets for a Braves game and the monster truck races on the same night.
You remember the days when it was a pleasure to drive on Washington Road.
You’ve gotten out of more than three speeding tickets on your own recognizance, owing to the fact that your daddy and the cop are in the same hunting club.
You really believe it is legal to pass in the center lane of Walton Way.
You’ve been caught with your 4×4 on a driving range more than one time.
You think only rich people pay to use parking garages.
You actually think YOU saved the A.
You have sat in a lawn chair and shower shoes at Dunkin’ Donuts in April with a sign that says “Need 2.”
You wear tennis skirts and yoga pants every day. Yet do neither.
You actually think Augusta Mayor Hardie Davis is doing a good job.
You’re so Columbia County if…
You miss Pam Tucker’s old haircut.
You thought Tim Tebow was going to be in the kitchen at PDQ frying up your chicken fingers.
You have proudly not been to Broad Street in 35 years.
You have never been to any other local concert except those held at the Lady A.
Your mom dresses up more for your prom picture than you do.
You complain about congestion and traffic, but when it comes time to move, you insist on a brand-new house in a brand-new neighborhood.
You’ve driven through 37 school zones to get anywhere, anytime.
You didn’t consider fried chicken a health food until Chick-fil-A came along.
You’ll gladly pay $15 to look at chickens and cows.
There’s a “massage parlor” at the entrance to your neighborhood.
You receive letters detailing “observations” of your neighbors concerning your house.
Your dog has a hashtag.
Your mother is more ripped than you are.
You’ve put so many kids through the same elementary school, you chuckle during open house at the teacher’s insistence on homework.
You’ve never once in your life thought that Martinez was mispronounced.
Your Christmas parade looks like “traffic,” yet everyone is smiling and waving.
You live in Columbia County because you love country life, yet your neighborhood has no trees, the closest thing to wildlife that you see is your neighbor’s Labradoodle, and if you even look at a dirt road, you get your SUV detailed.